Life changing moments.....

Here I am... just me.. the crazy, wacky blonde chick !! Saying that is very freeing to me. I like me.. I'm ok ! Really... I am ok !! Ok Kris where are you going with this especially with the title to this post?? lol !! Ok friends hang on....Here we go... It has been a little over 21 months since my dear Husband Marvin passed away. Somedays it feels like yesterday, others like it's been forever. I have done some really crazy things since his passing. Trying to find my way as a relatively young widow..Cough.. 55 ! lol !! I have dated, found love...and he passed away... did online dating.. NIGHTMARE ( A whole other volume could be written about this ) But I won't bore you with all of that ! The point is... through all of this I have finally had so many AHH HAA moments. Life lessons, trials, heartache and pain. The latest and best is that I finally realize I don't need a man to make me happy. To live happily ever after !! I don't !! (FOR THE SENSITIVE READERS>>>PASS THIS PARAGRAPH)... I was molested as a child,by a neighbor that I thought was doing this to me because he loved me! I know.. crazy... but I know it happens to many that have bee molested during their childhood. I am also a victim of Rape as a adult. I have been to endless hours of counseling. Making what I thought were huge strides in overcoming that mentallity. OOps...Not so fast Kris !! ) So...on to my ahh haa moment... After the NIGHTMARE of Online dating... I realized I was doing it again... I was looking for love in all the wrong places !!! I got it so wrong again from being so lonely !! I have realized that I had the best with Marvin. I know what true love is. More than some people ever have. I am blessed !! He did not leave me by his choice, he left me because God needed a handsome carpeter, wise, loving man in heaven . He loved me completely, through so many health issues with me. Through trips to the hospital, to the therapist, to mental health appointments. He loved me just as it said through our wedding vows, In sickness and in health. I am so grateful to be his wife... Yes I feel I am still his wife !! I miss him terribly... but I know he is watching over me... always . I know he died in my arms, loving me... his forever Kris... his wife. I realized that my need to be loved took over again... but that is not what I need in my life. I need for the first time in my life... to love me ! To spend time with me.. with God... with my family and friends... doing what I love. Experiencing things I am now dreaming of. Yes... I am finally dreaming again !! I am writing and creating in my art journal daily... if not several times a day. I also realize I have spent so much time and money on art classes of every kind trying to be like______ !! I don't want that anymore !! I WANT TO CREATE FROM MY HEART, NOT LIKE SUZZY OR BETH OR.....!!! I want to dress the way I like.. I dont care whats in style... I'm me and that OK !! I am enough... I am good enough... I am beautiful, loving, giving , kind me !! I am creative, I am so loved... I AM SO BLESSED !!! I am moving forward with leaving the farm and living closer to my son and his wife. I'm ready for the next chapter of this life journey !! WATCH OUT WORLD.. HERE I COME.......WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

My Intentions for life.....

Hello Beautiful Blogland, beautiful friends and family ! Yes.. I am alive !! lol!! I am finally here to post something on my forgotten blog, not really forgotten, just havent known what to share. My life went into another tail spin. Long story short... I met a man, turns out he was a conman.. drained my bank account and left me standing at the airport with my sign ! Enough said !! I will say this.. it was a HUGE life lesson !! As my dear son, Justin, says..." Momma.. all that you have gone through in your life, it has only made you stonger and the amazing Momma and woman you are today !!" I sure did something right raising him to become the wonderful man, husband, teacher, son, friend that he is. I love you Justin Ryan... with all I am !! I layed around for days licking my wounds so to speak. During the quiet time of tears, turning off my cell phone, prayer and reflection I have come to a HUGE decision about what I want for my life. I am putting my intentions out there for the world to hear. It is time I leave the farm Marvin and I have lived on for 16 years. After his death in July of 2010 I swore I would die in this old house on this farm... alone. So much more has happened but I wont bore you with all that ! lol !! When Marvin passed away my hopes and dreams died with him. Through my withdrawl from the world I realized those were our hopes, our dreams.. not mine alone ! (AHHH HAAA MOMENT) ! So I gathered paper and pen and began brainstorming about what I want for my life to be without him. What I am passionate about? What do I want with the rest of my journey on this earth? Where do I really want to be living? Who do I need to be near? What would make me happy? So... this is what I have discovered through days and weeks of soul searching... MY INTENTIONS... 1. IT is time to sell the farm and move down to be closer to my only child , Justin, and his wife. ITS TIME !! 2. I don't need a man to make me happy... I had true love, more than some people ever have. It's time for me to have a home that is full of what I love, what makes me happy and comfortable. 3. It's time to put my art out there ! For the past 15 months I have taken so many online art courses. Trying to find the medium and style I love to work on. I caught my self trying to copy someone elses style.. WRONG !! Out of the blue I got an email from a sweet woman that had stumbled on my blog. She took the time to stop surfing and send me a private email encouraging me to start blogging again. She saw my style.. MY STYLE... in the few pieces I have shared here. Thank you so much Connie !! So, Since that email I have been working in my handbound art journal everyday, sometimes several times a day. Now I have been asked to be a part of an artshow and sale. I am so excited !! I am taking this chance to put myself, my art and my world out there !! 4. I have a list of places that I want to travel to and spend time. I am going to make it happen !! Don't know where at this moment, I have to narrow it down... But I will be traveling to do something I have always wanted to do !!! Wooop wooop !!! 5. I am going to re-learn ( Is that even a word? lol !) playing guitar. I bought myself a brand new accoustic and I am going to play and sing again !! La la la lala la !! LOL!! 6. I am going to dream BIG... I am going to FLY again !!! My wings may have been clipped by the circumstances of my life.. but baby.. hang on.. cause this girl is ready to fly on the winds of life and make her dreams come true ! MY DREAMS !!! 7. I am going to spend time in prayer and meditation daily. Drawing closer to the Creator ! 8. I am going to listen to my body and care for it better. ( I have lost 84 pounds in 8 months !! One more size and I will be back to what I wore in high school !! Woo hoo!! ) I live with daily pain from my spinal issues. That is part of my life. All I have left is to an extreme surgery that would require months and months of rehab. Been to specialist after specialist all coming to the same conclusion. Im not ready to be down for such a long time. So my primary care Dr and I agree... there will come a time where the numbness I have come and go in my left side with always be there. There will come a time when I will lose control of my bowel and bladder. That time has not come.. so I will do what I can to keep going until that time comes. Maybe by then there will be a new answer to my disabling Spinal issues. So self care !! 9. I am going to love my family and friends and cherish every moment we have together!! 10. I am going to start blogging once a week for now and more frequently if needed. These are a few of the intentions I am sending to God, our Creator, and to the world.. sending them on the wind of blogland !! Thank you for sitting through this long post! Thank you for being here and listening !! Hugs to all......... Kristy... aka Rosie... Rose Twofeather