Here I am... just me.. the crazy, wacky blonde chick !! Saying that is very freeing to me. I like me.. I'm ok ! Really... I am ok !!
Ok Kris where are you going with this especially with the title to this post?? lol !! Ok friends hang on....Here we go...
It has been a little over 21 months since my dear Husband Marvin passed away. Somedays it feels like yesterday, others like it's been forever. I have done some really crazy things since his passing. Trying to find my way as a relatively young widow..Cough.. 55 ! lol !! I have dated, found love...and he passed away... did online dating.. NIGHTMARE ( A whole other volume could be written about this ) But I won't bore you with all of that ! The point is... through all of this I have finally had so many AHH HAA moments. Life lessons, trials, heartache and pain. The latest and best is that I finally realize I don't need a man to make me happy. To live happily ever after !! I don't !!
(FOR THE SENSITIVE READERS>>>PASS THIS PARAGRAPH)...
I was molested as a child,by a neighbor that I thought was doing this to me because he loved me! I know.. crazy... but I know it happens to many that have bee molested during their childhood. I am also a victim of Rape as a adult. I have been to endless hours of counseling. Making what I thought were huge strides in overcoming that mentallity. OOps...Not so fast Kris !! )
So...on to my ahh haa moment... After the NIGHTMARE of Online dating... I realized I was doing it again... I was looking for love in all the wrong places !!! I got it so wrong again from being so lonely !! I have realized that I had the best with Marvin. I know what true love is. More than some people ever have. I am blessed !! He did not leave me by his choice, he left me because God needed a handsome carpeter, wise, loving man in heaven . He loved me completely, through so many health issues with me. Through trips to the hospital, to the therapist, to mental health appointments. He loved me just as it said through our wedding vows, In sickness and in health. I am so grateful to be his wife... Yes I feel I am still his wife !! I miss him terribly... but I know he is watching over me... always . I know he died in my arms, loving me... his forever Kris... his wife.
I realized that my need to be loved took over again... but that is not what I need in my life. I need for the first time in my life... to love me ! To spend time with me.. with God... with my family and friends... doing what I love. Experiencing things I am now dreaming of. Yes... I am finally dreaming again !! I am writing and creating in my art journal daily... if not several times a day. I also realize I have spent so much time and money on art classes of every kind trying to be like______ !! I don't want that anymore !! I WANT TO CREATE FROM MY HEART, NOT LIKE SUZZY OR BETH OR.....!!! I want to dress the way I like.. I dont care whats in style... I'm me and that OK !! I am enough... I am good enough... I am beautiful, loving, giving , kind me !! I am creative, I am so loved... I AM SO BLESSED !!!
I am moving forward with leaving the farm and living closer to my son and his wife. I'm ready for the next chapter of this life journey !!
WATCH OUT WORLD.. HERE I COME.......WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Hey, I feel like I lost my husband, too. He was so sweet in the beginning. Then he turned into a monster. Emotionally and verbally abusive. I had to finally throw him out after 15 years. It felt like he died, because I loved him so much.
ReplyDeleteFor the first time in my life, I don't have to live according to someone else's expectations. I am 53 years old, and I don't have to clean up after anyone or listen to another person's critique of my art.
I relate to what you are going through. Before, I used to go from one relationship to another. But for the past 3 months, I am learning how to be with myself, and I am realizing just how easy I am to live with. It's worth it to just live on your own terms for awhile. I talk to God about what kind of guy I would like to meet someday, but no hurry!!! I've learned so much about why I did the things I did and reacted the way I did. Life's lessons worth learning. Take your time.
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