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Dedicated to my Husband ,Marvin, who lost his battle to Mesothelioma July 14th,2010.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2011...Season of Change

Here we are 4 days into the new year. We are no longer saying Happy New Year to everyone we meet. Many have already broken their new years resolution. Another reason I chose to do my punch list for 2011. Where am I ? I am in a season of change. I have been doing a lot of soul searching while I have been down and sick. I have realized so much and am trying to listen to my internal chatter and listen.. really listen to what I am hearing. I have come to realize how Marvin's passing in July has consumed me. I read back in my blog and see how I have become so stuck in my loss. I know people now avoid me because all I can talk about is Marvin, his final days,my grief,being alone on and on. I don't know who I am without him. He completed me. He gave me purpose in taking care of him. He was my world. He is gone now and I must try to go on without him.That is my reality.I think I have just curled up in my grief and thought it was ok. After all that is what my counselor says. Grief knows no time.You have to get through this on your terms. Well... that is not working apparently. So... what to do about it? Here is where I am at...My reality check.

1. I have fallen short in my relationship with God. He is my strength and I have walked away in my grief. I need Him in my life. I am nothing without Him. I will spend more time in His presence ,without distraction.

2. BIG CONFESSION AHEAD... I am a smoker. I started back when Marvin go the news that there was no more hope for him. I need to quit. Leave it behind forever. Agaia, I am weak. I was doing it when I felt so sick. I'm beginning to feel better and I am back to almost a pack a day. Reminding self of the health issues. The expense that I could do something wonderful with that money. I need prayer .I need to lean on God to get me through this.

3. My creative self died when Marvin did. I had not picked up a brush,pen,paper or even doodled on a grocery receipt. So.. my muse is returning. I am making a commitment to complete a challenge. I am a part of the Sketchbook Challenge.. (There is a button on the left that you can check it out ) It is a monthly challenge. A theme is posted on the first of each month for a year. I have nearly completed my entry for January. ( Keep coming back I will post it here. ) I will be picking up different mediums and trying new things. Creating feeds my soul. It is a God given gift. It's time to explore more into that part of me and then use it for good in some way.

4. I need to get my drivers license. I had stopped driving because of health issues and Panic attacks. I am alone,out in the country and many times I am in need of something or just want to get out of this house . No one is available so I am here for days on end with no way to escape. I need to get my ducks in a row. Put behind my fears and JUST DO IT !! Scared...YES..as I post my hands are shaking. But, for my sanity I must do it.

5. I need to dream again. I need to think in terms of myself. What I want with the remander of my life. WOW..it feels like I am going into a foreign country all alone. But... without dreams I will just living without purpose,dreams or goals.

6. I want to clean up,get rid of things and down size. I don't need all this stuff. It is crazy. I am going to learn to live simply. To be eco friendly, To recycle more.

7. I am going to learn to eat healthier and cook for myself more. I have fallen into the habit of getting frozen foods and heating and going. I do eat a lot of fruits and veggies. I do eat whole grain breads and light dressings but I know that is not enough.

I think that is a lot to put out here. Maybe no one is reading my blog because I have been Suzie downer for nearly 6 months now. But I put if our there for myself more than anything, I need to put myself as a priority. God being 1st in my life.

There it is.. out there for all to see. This is what I have become .The list is the beginning to what I WILL BECOME in 2011. I ask for your prayers,words of encouragement and ideas you may have.

Hugs and blessings....
Here I am with my precious granddaughter Trinity. I have changed since then I've cut my hair short, gotten contacts and lost some weight. Just wanted to post this pic as inspiration for myself.

1 comment:

  1. I think you need to take it easy on yourself. It has only been a few months. I doubt people are really avoiding you but you do sound depressed a bit. That makes you feel like people are avoiding you. It makes you have all sorts of feelings and it sucks creativity right out of you. I would talk to your doctor about it. Hugs, Lisa
    It is natural to become depressed when you lose your husband who is really your whole world anyway and especially after a long time taking care of someone and getting run down. Our immune system is linked to depression.